Well no Brass Ensemble is complete without a comprehensive library of jokes, so here are the ones we felt we could publish without getting into too much trouble. As you can see there are not many we could get away with, but you'll have to come to a gig to hear the other ones. Most of these have been provided by our juggling trumpet player Michael Chapple and the laughing tuba player Paul Farr - so they take the rap if you are offended!

Check our Standard Disclaimer before reading on!

Rules for Brass Ensemble Playing

1. Everyone should play the same piece.

2. Stop at every repeat sign and discuss in detail whether to take the repeat or not. The audience will love this a lot!

3. If you play a wrong note, give a nasty look to one of your partners.

4. Keep your fingering chart handy. You can always catch up with the others.

5. Carefully tune your instrument before playing. That way you can play out of tune all night with a clear conscience.

6. Take your time turning pages.

7. The right note at the wrong time is a wrong note (and vice versa).

8. If everyone gets lost except you, follow those who get lost.

9. Strive to get the maximum NPS (note per second). That way you gain the admiration of the incompetent.

10. Markings for slurs, dynamics and ornaments should not be observed. They are only there to embellish the score.

11. If a passage is difficult, slow down. If it's easy, speed it up. Everything will work itself out in the end.

12. If you are completely lost, stop everyone and say, "I think we should tune".

13. Happy are those who have not perfect pitch, for the kingdom of music is theirs.

14. If the ensemble has to stop because of you, explain in detail why you got lost. Everyone will be very interested.

15. A true interpretation is realized when there remains not one note of the original.

16. When everyone else has finished playing, you should not play any notes you have left.

17. A wrong note played timidly is a wrong note. A wrong note played with authority is an interpretation.

Golden Toilet

A couple wakes up one morning and the guy says to his wife, "What a party I went to last night, right here in the neighborhood. Good food, good people, good conversation...and the best thing of all...they had a golden toilet."

She says, "You're crazy. There's no such thing as a golden toilet." He says, "I swear to God. Right here in the neighborhood. Come on, let's go check it out."

They go to one of the houses in the neighborhood, knock on the door, and a lady answers. The guy says, "Excuse me, lady, have you got a golden toilet?"

She slams the door.

They go to the next house, knock on the door, and a lady answers. The guy says, "Excuse me, lady, have you got a golden toilet?"

She slams the door.

They go to the next house, knock on the door, and a lady answers. The guy says, "Excuse me, have you got a golden toilet?"

She says, "Hey, Ernie...here's the guy who wrecked your tuba."

The Conductor

This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the Trial the bloke is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana ?" The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it.

When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it. "Can I go ?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

The bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all the worlds electricity to the chair, determined to get his man this time.

The man sits down in the chair smiling. "What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch." The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark. I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?" He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it ?" he asked.

"Nahh" said the bloke, "I'm just a bad conductor."

The Orchestra

The members of the orchestra are divided into four sections. These are woodwinds, the strings, the brass, and the percussion. There's also someone standing in front of all these other folks playing no instrument at all. This would be the conductor. It is generally required that the conductor is required to make musical decisions and to hold all of the instruments together in a cohesive interpretation of any given work. Not so. Rather, the conductor is necessary because the four groups would rather eat Velveeta than have anything to do with someone from another section. And, as we know, musicians are quite serious about their food.

Why all the animosity? Before I begin my explanation, let me set the record straight in plain English about some of the characteristics which typify the four groups.

Woodwind players have IQs in the low- to mid- genius range. Nerds with coke-bottle glasses and big egos, blowers tend to be extremely quiet, cowering behind bizarre-looking contraptions -- their instruments -- so nobody will notice them. It is often difficult to discern whether a wind player is male or female.

String players are neurotic prima donnas who won't even shake your hand for fear of permanent injury. A string player will never look you directly in the eye and they never bathe carefully .. or often.

Brass players are loud-mouthed drunkards who bully everyone with the possible and occasional exception of a stray percussionist. They like to slick their hair back. Nobody knows why.

Percussionists are insensitive oafs who constantly make tasteless jokes at the expense of the strings and woodwinds. They look very good in concert attire but have the worst table manners of all musicians. They are always male, or close enough.

Now, is it any wonder orchestra members have little to do with anyone outside of their own section? For the answer to this and other pertinent questions we will need to examine the individual instrument and the respective -- if not respected -- players within each section.

The woodwinds: Oboe players are seriously nuts. They usually develop brain tumours from the extreme air pressure built up over the years of playing this rather silly instrument. Oboists suffer from a serious Santa Claus complex, spending all their waking hours carving little wooden toys for imaginary children, although they will tell you they are putting the finishing touches on the world's greatest reed. Oboists can't drive and always wear clothes one size too small. They all wear berets and have special eating requirements which are endlessly annoying and which are intended to make them seem somewhat special.

English horn players are losers although they dress better then oboists. They cry at the drop of a beret.

Bassoon players are downright sinister. They are your worst enemy, but ! they come on so sweet that it's really hard to catch them at their game. Here's an instrument that's better seen than heard. Bassoon players like to give the impression that theirs is a very hard instrument to play, but the truth is that the bassoon only plays one or two notes per piece and is therefore only heard for a minute in any given evening. However, in order to keep their jobs -- their only real concern -- they act up a storm doing their very best to look busy.

It takes more brawn, and slightly less brain, to play contrabassoon. They are available at pawnshops in large numbers -- the instruments as well as the players -- and play the same three or four numbers as the tuba, although not quite as loud or beautiful.

Okay, now we come to the flute. Oversexed and undernourished is the ticket here. The flute player has no easier time of getting along with the rest of the orchestra than anyone else, but that won't stop them from sleeping with everyone. Man and woman alike, makes no difference. The bass flute is not even worth mentioning. Piccolos, on the other hand, belong mainly on the fifty yard line of a football field where the unfortunate audience can maintain a safe distance.

The clarinet is, without a doubt, the easiest of all orchestral instruments to play. Clarinets are cheap, and the reeds are literally a dime a dozen. Clarinettists have lots of time and money for the finest wines, oriental rugs, and exotic sports card. They mostly have no education, interest, or talent in music, but fortunately for them they don't need much. Clarinets come in various sizes and keys -- nobody knows why. Don't ask a clarinettist for a loan, as they are stingy and mean. Some of the more talented clarinets can learn to play the saxophone. Big deal.

Let's continue now with the real truth about .. the strings. We begin with the string family's smallest member: the violin. The violin is a high-pitched, high-tension instrument. It's not an easy instrument to play. Lots of hard music is written for this instrument. Important things for a violinist to keep in mind are: Number one -- the door to your studio should be left slightly open so that everyone can hear your brilliant practice sessions. Number two: you should make disparaging remarks about the other violinists whenever possible, which is most of the time. And number three: you should tell everyone how terribly valuable your instrument is until they drool.

The viola is a large and awkward instrument, which when played, sounds downright disgusting. Violists are the most insecure members of the string section. Nothing can be done about this. Violists don't like to be made fun of and therefore find ways of making people feel sorry for them. They were shabby clothes so that they'll look as if they've just been dragged under a train. It works quite well.

People who play the cello are simply not good looking. They have generally chosen their instrument because, while in use, the cello hides 80% of its player's considerable bulk. Most cellists are in analysis which won't end until they can play a scale in tune or, in other words, never. Cellists wear sensible shoes and always bring their own lunch.

Double bass players are almost completely harmless. Most have worked their way up through the ranks of a large moving company and are happy to have a secure job in a symphony orchestra or anywhere. The fact that it takes at least ten basses to make an audible sound tends to make these simple-minded folks disappear into their woodwork, but why do they drive such small cars?

Harpists are gorgeous. And they always know it. They often look good into their late eighties. Although rare as hen's teeth, male harpists are equally beautiful. Harpists spend their time perfecting their eye-batting, little-lost-lamb look so they can snare unsuspecting wind players into carrying their heavy gilded furniture around. Debussy was right - harpists spend half their life tuning and the other half playing out of tune.

Pianists in the symphony orchestra work the least and complain the most. They have unusually large egos and, because they can only play seated, also have the biggest butts. When they make mistakes, which is more often than not, their excuse is that they have never played on that particular piano before. Oh, the poor darlings.

The brass:

Trumpet players are the scum of the earth. I'll admit, though, they do look good when they're all cleaned up. They'll promise you the world, but they lie like a cheap rug. Sure, they can play soft and pretty during rehearsal, but watch out come concert time! They're worse than lawyers, feeding off the poor, defenceless, weaker members of the orchestra and loving every minute of it. Perhaps the conductor could intercede? Oh, I don't think so.

Trombone players are generally the nicest brass players. However, they do tend to drink quite heavily and perhaps don't shine the brightest headlights on the highway, but they wouldn't hurt you and are the folks to call with all your pharmaceutical questions. They don't count well, but stay pretty much out of the way anyway. Probably because they know just how stupid they look when they play. It's a little-known fact that trombone players are unusually good bowlers. This is true.

The French horn. I only have two words of advice: stay away. Horn players are piranhas. They'll steal your wallet, lunch, boyfriend, or wife or all the above given half a chance or no chance at all. They have nothing to live for and aren't afraid of ruining your life. The pressure is high for them. If they miss a note, they get fired. If they don't miss a note, they rub your nose in it and it doesn't smell so sweet.

The kind-hearted folks who play the tuba are good-looking and smart. They'd give you the shirt off their back. The tuba is one of the most interesting to take in the bath with you. It's a crying shame that there's only one per orchestra. Would that it could be different.

And finally -- the percussion. These standoffish fools who get paid perfectly good money for blowing whistles and hitting things that don't deserve the considerable space they are allotted on the stage. Aside from the strange coincidence that all percussionists hail from the Deep South, another little known, but rather revealing fact, is there are no written percussion parts in the standard orchestral repertory. Percussion players do have music stands and they do use them -- to look at girlie magazines. Percussionists play whatever and whenever they damn well feel like it and it's always too loud! The ones with a spark of decency and intelligence play timpani, or kettle drums. Most percussionists are deaf, but those who play kettle drums pretend to tune ! their instruments for the sake of the ignorant and easily duped conductor. The guy with the short nose who plays the cymbals is no Einstein, but he's also one of the best guys to share a room with on tour. Cymbal players don't practice -- I guess they figure it's bad enough to have to listen to those things at the concert. Percussionists pretend to have lots of kids whose toys can be seen quite often shaken, dropped, or manhandled to great effect. Whole percussion sections can be seen and now and then on various forms of public transportation, where they practice getting up and down as a group. This represents the only significant challenge to a percussionist.

And that just about does it. I trust that this little tour has enlightened you just a little bit to the mysterious inner world of the symphony orchestra. This world, one which is marked by the terrible strain of simple day-to-day survival, is indeed not an easy one. Perhaps now you will be a bit more understanding of the difficulties which face a modern-day concert artist. And so the next time you find yourself at the symphony, take a moment to look deeply into the faces of the performers on the stage and imagine how much more difficult their lives are than yours. This is surely what's on their minds .. if anything.

The Archetypal Brass Band

Eb Soprano cornet: Too loud, usually out of tune. Convinced he has the most difficult part in the band.
Principal cornet: Conceited: uses too much vibrato
"Second man down" or "bumper upper": Either thinks he would make a better principal, or hero worships the principal.
"Third man down": loud brutal musical thug with lots of stamina and no finesse
"Fourth man down": like third man down, only louder and thicker
Repiano cornet: Waiting for a chance to play principal
2nd cornets: Hesitant, out of tune, but can play a bottom C
3rd cornets: loud, out of tune, but can play bottom G
Flugelhorn: Plays flat. Can't decide whether to be a cornet or a horn
Solo horn: Usually a girlie - irrespective of whether a male or female player
Tenor horns: Can play a unison tone in tune if one of them is dead
1st Baritone: Useless player, out of tune all the time
2nd Baritone: Even worse player. Only there to show what the first baritone could do if he tried
2 Euphoniums: Show-off and trainee show-off
1st trombone: Steam driven. Rasps most of the time
2nd trombone: Sloppy player, but can rasp even at pianissimo
Bass trombone: Chainsaw with vibrato
Eb basses: Look like two drunken farts
Bb basses: Sound like two drunken farts
Percussion: Has lots of noisy toys which must be used in the most inappropriate way possible. Must be totally incapable of producing a swing rhythm.
Conductor: So devoid of musical ability that he thinks the above shower sounds good.

ONCE UPON A TIME ...

Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This of course knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh my" said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK" replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I too have been blind since birth and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny and said, "well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit." "Oh thank you! Thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake "maybe I could feel you all over with my paw and help you the same way you've helped me?"

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked "well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls .. I'd say you must be either an accountant, or possibly someone in senior management."

`Banana Cake`

Ingredients: Laughing eyes Well shaped legs Loving eyes Firm milk containers Nuts Fur lined mixing bowl Firm banana Method: 1. Look into laughing eyes. 2. Spread well shaped legs slowly. 3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur lined mixing bowl is well greased. Check frequently with finger. 4. Meanwhile, ensure that loving arms are attached to firm banana. 5. Add firm banana to fur lined mixing bowl gently. Work in and out until well creamed. For best results continue to kneed milk containers. 6. As heat rises plunge firm banana deep into fur lined mixing bowl, cover with nuts, sigh with relief and leave to soak(preferably not over night). 7. The cake is cooked when the banana is soft. If the banana doesn’t soften, repeat method or change mixing bowl. 8. If in unfamiliar kitchen be sure to wash all utensils carefully. NOTE - Do NOT lick mixing bowl after banana softens. If cake "rises" leave town as soon as possible.

The best car in the world

Tiger Woods drives his Volvo into a gas station in Cork, on his tour of Ireland.
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Cork manner unaware as to who the golf pro is.
"Top of the marnin to ya".
Tiger Woods bends down to pick up the pump nozzle and two tees fall out of his top pocket onto the ground.
"What are dey Son?", asks the attendant.
"They're called tees", replies Tiger.
"And what would they be for then?", inquires the Cork man.
They're for resting my balls on while I'm driving", says Tiger Woods.
"Jaysus", says the Cork man. "Dem boys at Volvo tink of everything"